Geschrieben von Kensai am 23.08.2002, 09:01:
Being drunk in a game like this is not a good thing, the GM 'simulated' drunken behavior by letting each of the other players dictate what your character did for five minutes. So as my dwarf sang show tunes while dangling from a chandelier with a half-full spitoon on his head. The night at the Inn rolled on.
Me: "You know it's like midnight now, maybe we should just fast forward ahead to the morning so we can meet the wizard."
El Disgusto: "Oooo! Oooo! His dwarf is all drunk and now he's whining!"
Me: "I am not whining and hey at least my character is involved with the party."
El Disgusto: "You're just pissed because you're not a ninja. How are things looking on the roof anyway?"
Psyho Dave: "It's still raining."
Deviant Boy: "Hey I'm taking that saloon whore John Norman style."
Short Attention Span Larry: "Who?"
Deviant Boy: "John Norman... wrote the Gor novels... they taught me everything I needed to know about women."
Me: "So how is that whole restraining order thing working out anyway?"
Deviant Boy: "I'm done with her. I think this girl from the movie theater is hot for me though. There's soemthing about the way she says to me 'Want Butter Flavoring'?"
Weasly Crusher: "What about me? When do I get my barfight?"
Psycho Dave: "Well you do see this scrawny nervous looking kid at the bar."
Weasly Crusher: "I walk up to the kid and give him a shove."
Cheating Bastard: "I follow him."
Psycho Dave: "The kid is at the bar nusing a Shirley Temple."
Me: "I don't think that a medieval tavern would serve Shirley Temples."
Psycho Dave: "Fine. He is drinking an Ye Ole Shirley Temple."
Weasly Crusher: "I shove him."
Psycho Dave: "Roll to hit."
(roll)
Cheating Bastard: "I tell the kid- 'He doesn't like you.'."
Psycho Dave: "The kid cringes and says 'I'm sorry.'."
Weasly Crusher: "I shove him again!"
Cheating Bastard: "I say 'I don't like you either. You just watch yourself. We're wanted men. I have the death sentence in twelve kingdoms...'"
I knew where this was going, I think Weasly Crusher was the only one who didn't realize. The only thing really surprizing about the whole thing was that thanks to Psycho Dave's homebrewed Crits and Fumbles tables his Samurai somehow managed to behead himself. Eventually my character regained some degree of sobriety and retreated to his room to wait for the morning and the dread wizard Shickelgruber but the night at the Inn had no end in sight.
Psycho Dave: "You fail your roll and slip in a puddle of blood. Roll a d6 tsee how many teeth are knocked out."
Cheating Bastard: "I challenge the damn Viking to an arm wrestling match!"
Wesly Crusher: "They say your head can live a little while detached from your body, I try to call on my god."
Deviant Boy: "I'm still doing the saloon whore!"
Me: "I would think you'd be sleeping by now."
Deviant Boy: "My character is like me, he can do it for two three hours before he finishes. Women love that."
Me: "Really?"
Deviant Boy: "Especially canadian women."
Short Attention Span Larry: "Is it ok if I look through your comics?"
El Disgusto: "Is it Ok if I beat you with the Stick of Pain? My ninja breaks into their rooms and snoops around."
Psycho Dave: "Roll for it."
(roll)
Me: "Why can't you just meet up with the damn party and not do all this weird stuff?"
El Disgusto: "He's a ninja! I'm ROLE-PLAYING!"
Cheating Bastard: "I head up to my room. I want to get that Ressurection Sroll out of my Bag of Holding."
Weasly Crusher: "Geez how many magic items does your character have?"
Cheating Bastard: "Ninety-six."
How did he end up with 96 magic items? Allow me to explain. The way they set up high level D&D games in my neck of the woods was to have you roll up your character and then roll once on the treasure tables for each level they needed your character to start at. Psycho Dave had planned his campaign for 12th level characters and above, so Cheating Bastard's character was a 12th level Wizard-Cleric-Fighter-Thief-Illusionist-Druid-Ranger-Bard with limited Psionic abilities. His explanation, really lucky die rolls had allowed his magic user to get ahold of a Wish Ring with the maximum wishes. The Wishes had prolonged his life and allowed him to pursue multiple career paths so that now he had a small magic arsenal stored in a spelljammer craft that he had held in a bag of holding.
A good thirty minutes of game time was eaten up by this long drawn out explantion of the origin of the 12th Level Everything man. I suggested that we all have our characters go to sleep so we can meet with our employer the morning but no one else seemed to be interested. Deviant Boy kept going into lurid detail about his escapaded with his girl for the night. Weasly Crusher kept whining about his head. Short Attention Span Larry kept quiet, no surprise since he was busy trying to play the game, watch Star Trek and read a Gor novel. El Disgusto continued to break into our chracter's rooms and pilfer our things, until he crossed paths with Cheating Bastard's bag of holding. Cheating Bastard kept his familiar in the bag as a kind of guard dog. So the stealthy ninja ended up having his ass handed to him by a Quasit permanently polymorphed into Rush Limbaugh.
I didn't undstand that last bit either but I couldn't bring myself to ask.
El Disgusto: "Untie me! The other ninjas know I'm here!"
Cheating Bastard: "Once he's tied down face first on the bed I check and see how the fireplace pokers are heating up."
Psycho Dave: "Roll a d20."
(roll nudge)
Cheating Bastard: "I'm so awsome, another natural twenty!"
Psycho Dave: "The pokers are white hot."
El Disgusto: "You can't do this to me! I'm a ninja!"
Cheating Bastard: "I get the hottest, shapest looking poker and approach the bed."
Me: "Why are we doing this?"
Cheating Bastard: "I'm teaching him a valuable lesson."
El Disgusto: "My character flexes every muscle in my body at once!"
Psycho Dave: "Why?"
El Disgusto: "To weaken the ropes! What are you stupid?"
Cheating Bastard: "My character presses the end of the hot poker against the ninja's butcheeks."
El Disgusto: "You'll pay for this! You'll all pay for this! Hastur! Hastur! Hastur! Hastur! Hastur!Hastur!"
I for one never thought I would be glad to see the arrival of a member of the Cthulhu Mythos. hastur showed upand stomped on the Inn killing everyone. I don't ever recall being so happy but sadly in a game like this death is fleeting, only trauma and humilation endure.
The party found themselves resurrected in the crater where the Inn had been. A figure in brown and black robes stared at us. After some perliminary insults he led us through a strange looking portal.
Psycho Dave: "The Wizard Shickelgruber leads you through a portal and you find yourself on a wasted landscape. Tall dark chimneys belch ashes into the sky. The air is filled with the stench of burning flesh."
Cheating Bastard: "You sure we're not smelling the ninja's ass?"
El Disgusto (Waving the Stick of Pain): "Don't make me use this!"
Psycho Dave: "All around you strange deviecs and men in dark uniforms are walking around doing stuff. The wizard explains that he needs your help to get the Wand of Orcus."
Weasly Crusher: "Why?"
Psycho Dave: "To explain the wizard leads you through a metal gate with the words WORK LIBERATES engraved into it. He takes you to this huge pit filled with emaciated bodies. he explains to you that he needs to use the Wand to turn these bodies into undead so he can beat back the armies invading his land."
Me (My high school education kicked in right about then): "Wait just a goddamn minute here-"
Psycho Dave: "The wizard pulls back his cloak revealing his piercing blue eyes and small dark moustache."
Me: "We're in a concentration camp? So we can help Hitler win the war?"
Deviant Boy: "What's he paying us?"
Psycho Dave: "Gold teeth."
Me: "You're kidding right? You can't be serious."
Cheating Bastard: "This is cool, kind of a 'Shindler's Lich'"
Me: "This is unbelievable! I wasted six hours of my life for this?"
Psycho Dave: "Yes it is unbelievable but we're here to play a game not debate the so-called Holocaust."
Weasly Crusher: "How many gold teeth does it take to make a gold piece anyway?"
Very calmly and quietly I began to pack up my papers and dice. I promised myself I was just going to leave, not make another scene. I didn't know if I'd ever game again, I was pretty sure I had hit rock bottom. It didn't feel like I had expected.
Short Attention Span Larry: "Hey you big liar! I thought you didn't have anything but water. Look at all these bottles of Mountain Dew you have stowed under the stairs."
El Disgusto: "Stay away from those!"
Short Attention Span Larry: "What's the big deal, I just want a glass or two. Heck I'm so thirsty I'll give you a buck for the whole damn bottle."
El Disgusto: "No! You don't understand! That's not Mountain Dew."
Short Attention Span Larry (Pausing in unscrewing the cap on one of the bottles): "Huh?"
El Disgusto: "It's- it's urine."
Me: "That's funny I thought you said urine."
El Disgusto: "It is urine, I don't like to go upstairs to the bathroom when I'm watching TV so I go in the bottles and throw them away later."
Being a wannabe horror writer I often describe people having skin-crawling sensations, I had never truly experienced it until that very moment. I looked around the room, realizing now that there half-full bottles stashed everywhere. Some were crusted with age and other substances.
This I realized was rock bottom.
Me: "When do you throw these bottles away?"
El Disgusto: "I'll get around to it sometime."
Me: "I need to go home now. I need to go take a shower."
Psycho Dave: "What about the game?"
Me: "I trip and fall on my sword-"
Psycho Dave: "Roll for it."
Me: "I fall on my sword again and again- UNTIL THE HURTING
STOPS!!!"
And then I went home and never, ever played D&D again and I certainly never drank another bottle of Mountain Dew.
__________________ Nur reden will ich Dolche, keine brauchen!
Wer seine Ansichten mit anderen Waffen als denen des Geistes verteidigt, von dem muß ich annehmen, daß ihm die Waffen des Geistes ausgegangen sind (v. Bismarck)
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